If You Can’t Say The Words ‘I Love You,’ You Don’t Love That Person
The Bachelor has become a cultural obsession and an American phenomenon.Im sure my future grandchildrens children will read all about it in digital history books when theyre in some sort of robot-taught digital school.
You know why we love The Bachelor so fiercely? Because, babes, its filling the empty voids.
We can work through our dating failures, our sick behavioral patterns, our self-sabotaging, love-obsessed, pathetic behavior in the safe haven of our studio apartments, carton of ice cream in hand, cat curled up on our knee, hair in an unflattering top knot and recklessly judge the contestants without having to actually put ourselves out there.
It fulfills our human desire to date, without us actually having to date. Its sort of like holding up a mirror, but rather than looking inside of it, we can point it to the dating mistakes of others and avoid gazing into our own reflections.
Butlast night, I was triggered during the finale of Bachelor in Paradise (The Bachelor spin-off).Nick Viallcut the chord with Jen Saviano, who hed been dating on the show, and admitted The scary part is feeling Im incapable of saying I love you to anyone. (Read the full recaphere.)
What a cop-out, kittens.No one is incapable of saying I love you.
We all have a trillion excuses as to why were incapable of loving our partners back.Im not ready.Im emotionally scarred from my last relationship.I was traumatized as a child.
The list goes on and on. And Ive said themall.
Im a former fuckgirl, and I dont fall easily. In fact, until recently, I authentically thought I was a major commitment-phobe with deep-seeded issues.
Whats wrong with you?! Sheis so perfect! my mother would bark to me after I broke up with another amazing-on-paper girl.
I dont know, I would lament like a sad puppy.
And I really thought I was the problem. I sawtherapists. I saw tarot card readers and fortune tellers. I gotB12 shots and went on god damn juice cleanses (trying to ~cleanse away~ the demon that made it impossible for me to love).
I went from not being able to feel love (let alone say it) to having to clasp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from screaming I LOVE YOU at the top of my eager lungs.
And Ive seen it in my friends. Ive seen it in the biggest fuckboyswho were suchreckless players, they claimed they could never be with just one person.Ive even seen it with people whove rejected me.All of a sudden, these hot-to-trot, perpetual hookup enthusiasts become the most loyal monogamists.
There was once this girl I was super into, but shewasnt into me. I mean, in hindsight, I was probably into this woman because she was so disinterested in me.
Anyway, one night, over a glass of champagne, she told me, Im sorry, Im justnot ready to date.And I made myself feel better when I went home alone that night by saying she rejected me because shes justnot ready for love.
But all of theseexcuses are just noise, kittens. They arent real excuses. Because exactly three weeks later, the bitch wasdeeply in love with someone else. Apretty blonde girl wassplattered all across her Instagram.
Anyone who has ever been in real love will tell you its a force greater than you, and its so powerful that all of your walls will come tearing down, whether youre ready for it or not.
In fact, you might not be ready for love. You might screw it up because your heart is still damaged. But youre still going to feel it regardless. It might even scare you, but the magnitude of your love will always trump your fear of commitment.
So, should poor Jen be sad that Nick just didnt love her?No. She should be happy. Ecstatic, even.She just avoided marrying a dude who will have an inevitable affair. Because, in the end, people who marry without being in love always have affairs.
And if she believes Nickwhen he sayshe wasnt ready to get engaged, she will still hold on.She will secretly hope that he will work through his shit and come running back to her.
But noamount of therapy can convince someone to be in love with you if they just arent. Because Nick didnt love her. If hedid, hed be able to say it.
Thatshould set Jen free. Life is too short to try and convince someone to love you. Love is difficult, even if both parties are equally in love. You need a baseline of fiery, real, unforced love if you want a successful relationship.
Otherwise, you will just end up in a sexless relationship, hoping you dont get caught screwing the pool boy without your distracted husband finding out.