A Nice Guy And A F*ckboy Reveal How To Go From Being His Option To His Top Choice
The Nice Guy vs. The Fuckboy
Bobby Box, our self-proclaimed nice guy, is an engaged 20-something from Canada. Treez Alexander, our self-proclaimed fuckboy, is a single-and-DGAF 20-something from Brooklyn. Together, they’re here to offer you an uncensored look into the male mind from two very different viewpoints to help you navigate any dating, relationship, or sex problem.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your name (or pseudonym), age, and a description of your puzzling situation, and you could be featured in a future column.
Dear Nice Guy and Fuckboy,
My name is Chelsea, and I am 22 years old from Los Angeles. Im currently having relationship drama with a guy Ive never officially been with. Weve been on and off for the past three years.
Hes never been sure of our relationship. Hehas admitted countless of times he is afraid of us getting together andscrewing things up so much that hell end up losing me forever. So instead, weve been stuck in this in-between relationship for so long.
The problem is no matter how hard Ive tried, I havent been able to shake my feelings for this guy.
Ive tried dating other people. Ive gone off on my own and had amazing life experiences. Ive even seen him with other women, all while telling myself that I dont love him when in reality, I never stopped.
I have this unexplainable connection to him that keeps drawing me back. We constantly get into arguments about our relationship. I always express my desire for more, tellinghim that ifhe isnt willing to give me more, we need to end things.
He always says he understands. Hell give me some space, and then in a couple of weeks, hell text me as if nothing ever happened. And every time this happens, I give in because those last weeks without him were so hard. I start off strong, swearing Ill never see him again and finish off so weak.
During college, I left one semester to study abroad. While I was away,he got another girlfriend, whom he appeared to be more serious about than he ever was with me. He was official with her and posted about it on social media. Something he never did with me.
My heart broke and I thought, . When I got home from studying abroad, he would look for me, try to talk to me, try to be friends with me, anything he could to not let me go, despite having another girl in his life.
I tried being friendswith him. I believed since he was with someone else and all hope was lost for us, why not at least try to be friends. But he was never truly capable of being my friend.
He would text me provocative things and hit on me constantly when we were together. He was acting so shady to his girlfriend, and in my heart of hearts, I knew he would do the same thing to me if we were ever together. I couldnt help but wonder if he knew this too, and thats why he never wanted to commit. He didnt want our relationship to come to that.
Weve known each other for so long and shared a lot of great memories together. Ive never been able to cut him out of my life completely because we have the same circle of friends, which has made things very difficult.
If he came to me today and asked me to be with him, I know I would initially resist. Im so afraid that hell break my heart even more than he already has, but deep down, I know that if he persisted and fought for me, I would give in because my feelings for him have never faltered.
So I guess, the questions Im asking are: Is there a chance that he truly does care about me and is just afraid of losing me forever, hence his reservations of giving our relationship a real shot? Or is he just using me because he likes knowing that Ill always be there for him?
Why is it so hard for him to just let me go when Ive begged him so many times to do so?
Confused in Los Angeles
Let me get to the point real quick: This guys a manipulative asshole.
He strikes me as the kind of dude who has four or five girls on his rolodex at any given time, givingeach of them the same, rehearsed lip service thats never ever failed him.
Hes not worth your time, which I understand is easy for me to say because I dont know the guy or even you, for that matter.
However, what I do know is that there was once a point in my life where I was completely infatuated with a girl, well call her Jackie, when I was around your age.
In my early 20s, I foolishly thought she was the one that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.
The problem was, she had a boyfriend. A much older boyfriend who had a vintage bike and could afford to shop for T-shirts at American Apparel. I knew I couldnt compete with that. The dude was the ultimate hipster long before being a hipster was even a thing.
But, whenever theyd go on a break (which happenedoften), shed come crawling back to me, and each and every time like the idiot I was Id be thrilled.
What I ultimately discovered over our two years of nonsense was that I always made her a priority in my life, but this indication was never reciprocated.
Looking back, I always kind of knew this as fact, but I couldnt imagine leaving her. Yet, shed leave me whenever her boyfriend (who at the time, was discovering his his bisexuality) was willing to take her back.
I knew I didnt deserve to be treated the way I was. Hell, nobody did. But deep, deep down, I was almostcertain she would always love him more than she could ever love me. I just chose to ignore the fact, which is why I wasted so much time on something that was in hindsight so obviously destined to fail.
I bring this up because I feel like its a very similar experience to yours, and I dont want you to wasteany more time on this intangible person like I had. I feel like you know what hes been saying to keep you interested in him is BS, but you, like me, dont want to or cant imagine a life without them.
But you have to.
I feel like this guy showed his true colors when you left to study abroad and some other girl snagged the official title that you had been so steadfast in achieving. I can guarantee you it didnt take this girl three years to attain the title, so I just want to mention this observation before I give you my all-or-nothing approach, which I think is your only viable option at this point.
If hes truly afraid of losing you forever like you mention in your message, I want you to give him an ultimatum: A be-with-me-now-or-lose-me-forever kind of thing.
By giving him an ultimatum, which I dont normally recommend, hes either going to prove to you that he meant what he said, or that he just used it to keep you on the line while he fished for other women. Its time to put his words to the test and finally reach a destination with this dude, instead of riding idle to god knows where.
If he fails, which I think he might, then at least youll know hnever saw you as an exclusive partner. He just used his words to manipulate your emotions and keep you exclusively interested in him while he could pretty much do whatever he pleases with whoever he pleases.
This guys either a textbook chauvinist, or hes just super young and immature. Since you mention youre only 22, Ill take it easy on the guy, and go with the latter.
I know this is the most frustrating advice ever, Chelsea, but youre too young to give your all to a man who doesnt give it back. I promise youre going to find a guy who wont make you question things to the point where you feel obligated to ask two millennial columnists what we think you should do.
There are better things out there, but youre going to have to step out from under his shadow in order to see it.
Best of luck!
Youre asking if theres a chance his willingness to commit to you changes over time. I guess theres always a chance, and being a central figure of his adolescence likely gives you a leg up in the matter.
We build loyalty to the people who stick around long enough for us to drag them through our mud call it emotional capital, if you will and this phenomenon isnt exclusive to non-fuckboy and bring-home-to-momma types. All us humans do it.
The question isnt whether youve built this up in him, but whether hell wantto cash in on it in the future.
But I think the larger question you should ask yourself is: Do you really want him to? The answer depends on how you want to look at it.
Because you could view him doing so as him realizing his love, affection and need for your companionship, him finally coming to terms with something hes been destined to for some time.
Or you can see it as him settling. And that might be how he sees it: a shrug, a look around and assessment of whos left standing. It sounds like you want to be that person there, after the dust has settled.
If that were the case, what would your life be with him? Would it be everything you thought you ever wanted? Or some cruel, realistic twist on a fantasy scenario thatyou conjured up in your mind?
The reason he cant let you go is because youve never given him any real notion that you will. No matter where you are, youve always been available for him emotionally. Youve always been ready, able and willing to drop everything. Youve never been taken away from him; nothing has ever threatened his ability to have you.
Even the best of us humans need to be conditioned to realize we can lose something thats never shown any inclination of being taken away. This phenomenon, again, isnt exclusive to non-fuckboy and bring-home-to-momma types. Its true of all of us.
Show him your status in his life is fluid, that its not contingent on him just existing. Im not saying blow up at him or come out of the blue with a dramatic diatribe.
Dont demand loyalty.Thatll come across as a desperate plea, a beg. But leave yourself open to other opportunities, and take advantage of them if they present themselves. Talk to other people. Leave yourself open to the possibility of ending up with somebody else.
And let him see it.
Its nothing short of silly to repeat the same patterns and expect dissimilar outcomes. You want something to change in your relationship? Throw a curveball at it.
You may not like this constant ambiguity of you and him, but it has become your comfort zone. Its become what you know, and in the meantime, what you and him are.
If you want him to let you go, let him go, or at least, this dependence on him that you cant seem to shake. The truth between you and him will make itself clear when you do.