The 11 People Your Friends Become After College
Once you’re out of college it’s hard to make friends in the real world, even for a betch. They don’t exactly have pledge mixers for the newest class of employed people or whatever. So if you were a betch who’s lucky enough to have stayed in the same place as most of your friends, rejoice. You’ll still have your same old besties and won’t have to branch out yet, but keep in mind that the real world changes people, supposedly something about having rent and/or bills makes people change their behavior or something. Keep on the lookout for the types of people your hard-partying besties might become after graduation.
The 30-year-old in Disguise
She used to go shot for shot with you; now she can barely stay out past midnight without taking a nap in the booth at the bar. Pretty soon her idea of a good time will be nursing one craft beer over a 3-hour period. If you thought to yourself, “umm that sounds like typical Dud behavior,” then you’re exactly right. Time to hold a betch-tervention and hold her Netflix password ransom before she does something you’ll all regret, i.e., stop going out altogether or take up knitting.
Can’t Stop Won’t Stop Raging
The other side of the same coin. Look, betches love blacking out, but there reaches a point in your life where you can’t black out on a Tuesday and continue to call yourself a functioning member of society. Betches gradually reach that conclusion on their own within 2 years after graduation, but we all have that friend who continues to act like she lives in a real-life version of Animal House. If you want to relive your glory days stick to #tbt posts, not dollar shot night at your former college dive bar.
She’s so MIA you’re considering filing a missing person’s report. It takes her 8 hours to answer a text, and if you want to get her to come out with her you’ve got to make reservations weeks in advance. When did my BFF become like a 5-star restaurant all of a sudden, and wtf is she doing all the time? These are questions you may never get the answer to.
The Boss Ass Betch
This girl would skip 12:50 classes because they were too early for her. Then she graduates and is working full time, goes to the gym every day, cooks gourmet little Pinterest meals for herself, and may or may not have a startup in the works. We all have someone in our friend group that does so much shit it makes us low-key jealous. If you can’t think right off the bat who your besties’ boss ass betch is, it could be you! Or you’re all scrubs. Either way.
Med School Melanie
Yeah, good luck ever finding a time when she’s not studying her eyeballs out. She might as well be dead to you. That is, until you start thinking you’ve developed a gluten intolerance and need to ask her advice.
Wife Me Up Wendy
She didn’t graduate college with an MRS and she’s going into overdrive now to make up for lost time. Don’t bother keeping track of all the guys she goes out with on Tinder, OKCupid, JDate, Hinge, whatever, because there’s no way any human can retain all that information. Hopefully rather than constantly boring you with her misadventures (which are hilarious in the beginning but get old pretty fast), she’ll just start a blog instead.
She uses phrases like “been bit by the travel bug” and she only participates in tbt to humblebrag about her awesome European adventures. Her cover photos rotate between landscapes of various foreign countries, and she’s constantly talking about how she’s “saving up to go back” to wherever she studied abroad. Either she’ll meet a hot pro in your city and forget about the “travel bug,” or you might not ever see this betch again.
Cat Lady in Training
Meaning she got a cat and is obsessed with it to the point that she cuts her nights out short so she can check on her cat which you all know is doing just fine by itself since it’s a house cat and that’s literally what they do.
She’s “over” random hookups, she doesn’t see the point in accepting free drinks from guys she’s not interested in, and she insists “all guys are complete idiots until their mid-thirties anyway.” I sort of had to fudge that name but I already used Jane so what choice did I have?
Her apartment and her life in general looks like Real Simple threw up. If only she was so crafty back in her sorority days maybe your paddle wouldn’t have looked like shit.
The Future Moviestar
She’s moved out to LA and changed all her Facebook pictures are headshots, despite the fact that she never so much as went to one on-campus play. Maybe she got approached by one of those “scouts” at the mall, who knows. Just be there for her if her modelling deal “inexplicably” falls through and she moves back home.